Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sometimes You Just Gotta Do You

Summer is slipping through my fingers... I can feel it. Connor and I meet his kindergarten teacher tomorrow, and Thursday is my first day of orientation at Ohio Northern where I embark on my new journey into law school. Part of me is ready for this next step now that the house is pretty well finished (we agree that it now feels like home even though we've started yet another painting project), and I'm starting to get so bored with the lack of things to do that I'm actually picking up shifts at work. So yeah, it's probably time to get back in the swing of things.

Maybe it isn't that I'm not ready for the responsibility or time commitment again, but more so a fear of failure that freaks me out about law school. It's like the WOD tonight at Crossfit--deads aren't a problem for me, but once I had the bar at 135# and realized I was gonna have to do 10.. then 15.. then 20 at that weight, well, let's just say I wasn't so confident. Especially since I'm just starting to feel like I'm getting back into my groove after those shitty 5 weeks off. For a split second my confidence waivered.. I thought about dropping some weight and maybe just hitting 115 or 125, but of course my inner hardass said fuck that and left it the way it was--and it wasn't that bad. Yeah, I struggled a little more than if I'd dropped down. I arched my back too many times, had to throw off my gloves and use a switch grip halfway through, stopped a few times. But I made it. Yesterday was the same way when Mark had us do 85% of our max thruster. Normally I would have been content with doing 65#, but I knew he had it set in his head that I was going to do at least 70 so I did and it made me feel good to move up--even if it was just by 5 lbs.

Life is all about moving up, accepting change, making yourself (and hopefully those around you) stop accepting mediocrity and strive for better. So that's the plan--to stop settling for halfassedness. Unfortunately some of the closest people to us are the ones who sabotage our efforts the most, and the support and encouragement comes from unexpected places. The hard part about that for me is stepping up and taking charge of my own life instead of making excuses or letting what other people want me to do influence the choices I'm making for myself. Because at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to live with the consequences. I hope everyone can respect that, but I expect a few people to get their feathers ruffled over this change of attitude. But then again, you know I never really have been one to give a damn what anyone else thinks ;)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Paleo Gripes: Why I HATE Giving people advice...

Today 5:30 was too early for me to be awake; I'm not on a morning schedule at all right now, so I'm probably going to need a nap if I want to salvage the rest of this day with any level of productivity. But right now I'm waiting to pick Connor up from my parents house, so I'll enjoy an iced tea and some bitching before I do so. Let me qualify this by first saying that I love when people ask me about paleo or Crossfit. Two of my favorite subjects, sometimes I have to cut myself off because I know it probably gets annoying to listen to me drone on about these two subjects to no end. But I really believe in both of them as an important part of my life, so sometimes I have a hard time reigning it in. That being said, one of my biggest irks is when people ask me about it and then proceed to do one of the following:

1. Tell me that I'm wrong, or that I "need" grains/carbs/fill in the blank as to whatever other bullshit food group that they put stock in.. Really, because YOU'RE looking a little bloated today! Perhaps it's the 37 servings of grain that the government has prescribed you! Don't stand in front of me with a footlong sub, a bag of doritos, and a 40 of Coke and tell ME about health and macronutrients. Grab you a copy of Gary Taubes book "Why We Get Fat," then come find me and we'll have an educated conversation about food (over a 3 egg omelette and an order of bacon ;)


2. Ask me to dedicate my precious time and energy telling you EVERYTHING I know about Paleo/macronutrient breakdown and why carbs drive insulin drive fat.... and then continue to eat like an asshole. And THEN give me a whole crapload of excuses why you're doing it. Guess what? I don't care what you put in your body; what I do care about is that you not waste my time bitching about your weight or how bad you feel when you obviously have no ambition to do anything to change it. They say "when you know better, you do better." Definitely not the case with some people.

We only get this one life, and this one body to live it in. I've been down the hard road where I let things get out of control, and I know the struggle and the toll it takes mentally and physically to bring yourself back. Hell, I'm still not 100% where I want to be but I'm certainly not giving up--I know if I stay on this road it'll take me where I want to be. Maybe this wasn't my usual funny and light-hearted message for the day, but sometimes you gotta get bitchy so people will sit up and listen.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Life, Balance, and Change

Today I was browsing around Facebook checking out pics; one of the things I love most about these social networking sites is that there's a constant record, be it good or bad, of our lives. And I gotta say, I never get tired of marveling at the transformation my body has made over the past year. While I dropped some weight here and there, the real journey toward change (with a legit level of commitment) started one year ago in August of 2010. Hard to believe that just 12 short months ago I was like 80 lbs heavier, struggling to "jog" from one pole to the next. When I finished my first 5k at the end of September it was one of the most prideful moments of my life. I guess I look back at those pictures and I can't even imagine going back to that place in my life. It's a hilarious but really scary reminder as to how bad things can get if you let your life get out of control. The first picture I posted on here is from my little bro's wedding on July 17, 2010--a little over a year ago.. the second is from my friend's wedding this year on July 2, almost a year apart.... YIKES.... lol

Speaking of control, I finally feel like I'm getting some balance back into my life--part of that has to do with the fact that my new kitchen is FINALLY free of power tools, and part of it is because I have some pretty legit looking bruises on my legs as a result of being back into Crossfit. I was talking to one of the girls in class last night about Crossfit/diet/weight loss, and I realized something really important came from my past month of sloth.. not only did I gain an understanding for how important CF is to me, but I also stopped obsessing over the scale and over every bit of food that goes into my mouth. That doesn't mean I have any desire to eat like an asshole, bc I just feel better when I eat paleo at least 90% of the time.. but it does mean I can enjoy dessert or a piece of pizza once in awhile and not beat myself up over it or gain 10 lbs as a result. It's not about the scale for me anymore... it's about how I feel. CF'ing makes me feel confident, strong and solid--I could literally feel my body composition turning to sludge over the past month. Okay, maybe I was just paranoid and a little dramatic, but still.. it could happen. At any rate it gave me enough perspective and a better level of understanding and control over myself mentally to salvage what little sanity I have left.

This summer has been ridiculous between the house and the other random bullshit I've had going on in my life. Change and transition is never easy, but thankfully it has gone more smoothly than I ever expected for us in the huge changes we've been going through, especially the past month. Now that August is already starting to fly by (WTF!?), I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for law school. The thought alone is a little daunting, but I think as long as I can maintain a solid routine things will be fine. I feel really lucky to have a great family to help with Connor, and Kev around to help with the kids on the weekends. The key to getting my life together is going to be routine and keeping my priorities in line, so hopefully I can keep that on lock without going completely bat-shit insane... wish me luck!