Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Sanity

It seems I spend most days lately hanging at the end of my rapidly-fraying rope. School, kids, house, bills, family, and a healthy mix of people you just don't wanna fucking deal with... all the stuff they don't tell you about when you're young and you just can't wait to grow up. How to deal? It's a damn circus act for me. I'm pretty sure I washed every dish in our house 7 times this past weekend, did approximately 10 loads of laundry in 2 days, and then had my son come down with a lovely case of strep throat/scarlet fever (yes it still exists) at roughly 8 pm on Sunday night. Cool. What a fantastic way to start the week. I love being a mom, hell I'm starting to enjoy our "kid weekends" more than the free ones, but it is a really really really really realllllllyyyyyy underpaid/underappreciated gig. As if that weren't hard enough, add law school on top of it and my life is like a high stakes game of Jenga--fuck up one area and it's all going to hell.

Thankfully I've found some outlets.. staying ahead of the game in school, keeping the house picked up, and lucky for me Kev is great about helping out most of the time. But on the days I'm feeling really stressed out or down, my first instinct is to grab some shitty snack; it's just the way I have always dealt with my emotions. My family has always associated food with fellowship, and I never had the right kind of relationship with it.. So I struggled for a long time and still do on the worst of days. I think part of the reason I started this blog was so I could be frank with myself and whoever else reads it as to where I'm at.. it keeps me accountable. And, as it turns out, so does Mark when necessary, haha

I'm trying to make new connections and associations in my mind as to how I deal with the stress. Crossfit Lisbeth is one of my favorite places to go when I need a little inspiration; she has an amazing daily blog that gives great perspective (Like her on Facebook!) And then there's class. Some days I just wanna stay in bed, or go straight home after school and veg out like a bum. But I always know in the back of my mind that I need it, and that if I'll just get my shit together and go I'll feel so much better for it. One hour a day, that's all I need to salvage my sanity. For that one hour my mind is clear; I'm not thinking about school or kids or the most recent thing that happened to royally piss me off. I can talk to my CF friends and joke around and forget all the bullshit that happened that day. Something about that hour a day fulfills a deeply rooted need within me.. I've done things I like/love before, but nothing that compares to CF. It doesn't have to be your thing, but it is mine. Just find solace in something that makes you feel more whole. Try a lot of different shit, eventually you'll fall into the right thing and you'll just know without a shadow of a doubt that it's where you belong.

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