Thursday, October 27, 2011

Square one

I cried every day this week. And several days last week. That's a hard thing for me to admit, because I pride myself on being a pretty tough broad. It's been building up for awhile, and at first I figured maybe it was just the stress and hard work... maybe I was just being a baby. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just really, truly hate law school. Not because I hate learning about it, because the intricacies, cases, professors, and people there are all great. I just hate what it is doing to my family. Don't get me wrong, I knew it would be a lot of work, but what I failed to realize was how much it would take away from my relationship with my son (EVERYTHING). It was never about the money I could make or the status of the job that appealed to me, but the chance that I could have a career where I could make a difference in someone's life. And for someone without a family that's totally attainable, but I'm just not built that way and it kills me to have to admit that this just isn't the right fit for me at this point in my life. I can't go days and days of barely seeing my boy, I can't feel like an outsider in his life and watch everyone else doing the things I should be doing--taking him to school, talking to him about his day, feeding him, cuddling with him at bed time, teaching him how to read, write, tie his shoes, ride a bike... I'm his mom, and that has to be my first priority. I can't have this career when the implosion of my family would be the collateral damage.

So now what? Not sure... I had an epic breakdown yesterday where I finally came face to face with all of this (special thanks to my CF coach for being my sounding board). I'm lucky to have so many people in my life who understand and back me on my decisions, in fact I think they might be a little relieved because they're hoping now I won't be so bat-shit insane every day. The not-knowing is what scares me the most, but at the end of the day all I can feel is relief to get this off my shoulders. There are a million options out there, I just have to find the right one. I still want to make a difference, I just need to find another way to do it that won't have such an adverse effect on my relationships and my psyche. At the end of the day I realized that while fear of the unknown sucks, you only get one shot with your kids, your family, with people... law school will always be there, they might not. And I surely don't want to f*$% that up.

1 comment:

  1. Melissa, I'm glad to be there for you. You are a smart girl and you will find your niche.