Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Open

I could give you at least a dozen reasons why I didn't plan on signing up for the 2012 Crossfit Open. First of all, it's no secret that my health has been a complete joke the past few months between my sketchy appearances at the box and zero self-control in what I've been putting into my body. Only in the past few weeks have a really begun buckling down and dialing in on that aspect of my life again because I took a good, hard look and realized it was out of fucking control. Reason two stands to follow--I'm not even close to a competitor in comparison to some of the other people involved. It is a complete embarassment the way that I have back-seated the health of my mind and body over the past few months, so why would I want to see just how far from grace I've fallen? Then this morning my shin was OWNED during a box jump... not just a little skin removal, we're talking immediate goose-egg sized lump and full-frontal scalping.

Never have I recieved a "DNF" in a WOD, but it almost came to that today! Soooo there you have it, the short list of reasons why I wasn't signing up for the Games. I had resolved not to even go to the first WOD yesterday, but (thankfully) TC guilted me into it and I went. Was I super pleased with only doing 68 burpees in 7 minutes? Fuck no. Body weight movements and high speed aren't my strong points even in prime shape so I wasn't expecting anything spectacular, but I was glad that I showed up, as I always am.

The rest of the night I kept toying with the idea of signing up for the Open, but I never really got serious about it until I starting thinking about how much it pisses me off to hear people make up excuses why they can't Crossfit. Because as much as we love the exclusivity of our little club, the truth is this: Anyone. Can. Crossfit. I'm too out of shape (this is how you GET IN SHAPE), I'm too old (just saw a picture of a 91 yr old woman deadlifting on an affiliate site), I'm not strong enough (you'll GET stronger), it costs too much (so does shitty health and fast food), I don't have time (Pure Bullshit)... the list goes on. So when I find myself making some weak ass excuses as to why I can't/won't/shouldn't sign up for the Open, how is that any different?? The answer is, it's not. It's no different than the lame excuses other people give me for not taking responsibility for their health and body. So today I decided to man-up and register for the 2012 Crossfit Open along with a handful of people from Crave. Am I winning anything, no, but as one of my fellow CF'ers said today--It's about the ride.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

When you least expect it

I am one of the realest (is that even a word?) people you will ever meet. I don't fudge my personality for anyone, I am who I am, like it or leave it--either you love me or you hate me and I make no apologies for it. You see me at work, the gym, out with friends, scrubbin it up in my sweats at Walmart (okay let's be honest, I look like that pretty much anywhere I go).. I'm putting on the same face and saying the same inappropriate sh*t no matter where I go. I feel like it's part of my charm, or occasionally one of my less than charming attributes... but on the upside you don't have to worry about me being a fake a-hole to you either. I have a gung-ho attitude even though most of the time I jump in head first and find out the water is only eh 3 feet deep or so. That's just how I roll. I give a lot to the people who mean the most in my life and apparently choose a lot of shitty people because my returns have been a lot of fuck overs as of late.

But amidst all the bullshit I've come across, there is one thing I've come to depend on--my family. Not just the family I was born into, but the family I've chosen for myself... my friends, and my Crossfit fam. Admittedly I'm the wayward child in both outfits, always flittering off into the abyss and doing my own thing til I realize I'm off the beaten path screwing things up for myself once again, and somehow every time I come back to welcoming arms. When I least expect it (but most need it) someone always seems to come along and be the hero; it's never the likely source either.

Whether it's a text from Ash E telling me to get my ass to the gym, or a random phone call when I'm at my lowest, she always has my back. Mark has never once been hesitant to call me out on my bullshit when necessary. And based on his incredibly positive attitude and motivation in and out of the gym, I have no doubt Matt is going to make a great coach as well. So many of my fellow CF'ers have become adversaries on my worst days--for that I am thankful. It's those little, unsolicited efforts that matter most when you're at rock-bottom. Sometimes we expect more from people because we know we would do that much for them. I've been having a hard time finding that kind of support outside of the gym lately. It is my center and my solace, a little slice of sanity in this fucked up life. Crossfit is my sanctuary, as I think it might be for many of us. Feels good to be home again.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

My own worst enemy

Today I want nothing more than to run away. I wish I could explain exactly why, to put a finger on the root of this unbelievable anxiety in my life, but I can't. I just know that some days all I want to do is run. To create a new life that doesn't include so much of my past, to get away from other people and history and places that remind me of good and bad memories and.... well I guess you get the picture. I feel like I'm wandering this world without a real identity, because every time I think I've defined myself and what's important to me someone inevitably decides to jump on the bandwagon and rip it away like a fucking glory-thief, although I can't even understand what level of satisfaction you could get by stealing thunder from someone who's been waiting their whole damn life for a little rain...

And then there are other times when I just fuck it up all on my own.

Either way it's disheartening to constantly feel like you're starting over. It's hard enough to fight other people, but when you're forever fighting against yourself as well it seems like a lost cause. This feels like a ramble, but the truth is I've got a lot of confusion pent up in me these days because I'm just really tired of not knowing what's best for me, who I am, and where the hell I fit in. I struggle every day. Some days I hide it well behind the wall of wit and sarcasm, it keeps people from seeing the way things really are... I figure if they don't know your reality they can't manipulate it or use it against you. But the raw, glaring truth in my life is that I need everyone else to love me because it fills the void of knowing that for some reason, I don't love myself. And at the end of the day a million laughs wouldn't be enough because I'm still afraid that the people I value most in my life will leave me. I don't know what else to do anymore besides keep getting back up every time I fall, even if it makes me look like a fool to be stepping back in the ring for the 33,596th time.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Is it too late for a Resolution?

Back again. My life pretty much went to hell in a handbasket (ironically enough) about a week or two after what I could only describe as a borderline religious experience at Back to the Ranch. IT WAS FREAKIN AWESOME. The high of doing that, seeing all those amazing athletes, and WOD'ing for a great cause really stuck with me for a long time. But I'm a creature of habit--as long as I'm sticking with the plan everything goes smooth, and when I don't do that... well... I tend to "Derail" as my parents so lovingly describe it ;)An unfortunate series of events, illnesses, and excuses later, I was AWOL from the gym and proceeded to hit the holiday eating with full force. I made a few special guest appearances at the box in December, but once again "life derailment" occurred and I spent the entire week before Christmas on the couch in a bundle of pajamas and tears.

It took a lot for my to pick myself up by my bootstraps yet again (you'd think I would be really good at that by now), but I'm finally feeling like myself again. I'm working at a job I love with people I love even more thanks to my Crossfit connections :D, I'm back to eating like a sane person, and I'm refocused on getting my ass in the gym and pounding pavement on days that I can't WOD. But I know myself, and I know that I absolutely need goals to maintain focus--tangible, mark-off-a-list type shit that I can look at and know where it begins and ends.

So yeah, I know it's February, and I've never been a fan of the whole "New Year's Resolution" song and dance because I feel like it sets you up for failure to decide you're going to do something if you really aren't ready to commit to it... but I've been thinking about some things I'd really like to accomplish, and decided on a CF related goal that I can dig into. See I came into this box and immediately wanted to be great, but I didn't place enough importance on developing my fundamental skills. Who cares if I can deadlift 255 if I can't even do a f*cking pullup? Of course it's great to beat my last time on a WOD, but not if I'm still doing triple the number of jump ropes because I haven't taken the time to work on double-unders. Unmodified push ups. Handstand push ups. Dips. Higher box jumps. It's clear that I suck at body weight movements, but instead of ignoring it and just trying to beast out faster times at more weight (still important) I wanna knock these other things out one at a time. Can't build a house without a solid foundation. Incidentally, I did cross one thing off my list today. Handstands. One down!