Sunday, February 19, 2012

My own worst enemy

Today I want nothing more than to run away. I wish I could explain exactly why, to put a finger on the root of this unbelievable anxiety in my life, but I can't. I just know that some days all I want to do is run. To create a new life that doesn't include so much of my past, to get away from other people and history and places that remind me of good and bad memories and.... well I guess you get the picture. I feel like I'm wandering this world without a real identity, because every time I think I've defined myself and what's important to me someone inevitably decides to jump on the bandwagon and rip it away like a fucking glory-thief, although I can't even understand what level of satisfaction you could get by stealing thunder from someone who's been waiting their whole damn life for a little rain...

And then there are other times when I just fuck it up all on my own.

Either way it's disheartening to constantly feel like you're starting over. It's hard enough to fight other people, but when you're forever fighting against yourself as well it seems like a lost cause. This feels like a ramble, but the truth is I've got a lot of confusion pent up in me these days because I'm just really tired of not knowing what's best for me, who I am, and where the hell I fit in. I struggle every day. Some days I hide it well behind the wall of wit and sarcasm, it keeps people from seeing the way things really are... I figure if they don't know your reality they can't manipulate it or use it against you. But the raw, glaring truth in my life is that I need everyone else to love me because it fills the void of knowing that for some reason, I don't love myself. And at the end of the day a million laughs wouldn't be enough because I'm still afraid that the people I value most in my life will leave me. I don't know what else to do anymore besides keep getting back up every time I fall, even if it makes me look like a fool to be stepping back in the ring for the 33,596th time.

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