Thursday, March 22, 2012

Leaning out

I've spent a lot of time the past couple months trying to get my shit in line, and I haven't tried to hide it. I figure I spent enough time hiding in the dark, better to shed some light on the situation to keep things on the legit side now. It's been a long road to say the very least, but thankfully I've had a lot of great people in my corner and that has made all the difference in the world.

At some point in our lives, we might find ourselves wasting too much time and effort on garbage--asshole people, bad habits, and terrible vices were all my chosen distractions. It started around November for me, and progressively got worse as the year came to a close. By January I knew it was time for a change, but I really wasn't ready to do what was necessary.. because real change isn't easy. Choosing to lean out your life and pare down to only what is necessary means giving up and getting rid of a lot of things that are keeping you from having to deal with the real issues.

Leaning out is fucking tough--in your body, in your environment, and in your life. It's easier to eat shitty fast food and mow through a pan of brownies without a care in the world than it is to pay attention to what you're putting in your body. Surrounding yourself with like-minded idiots (however assonine they may be) is much easier than facing the ones who are gonna tell you when your acting like a selfish jackass. And of course choosing vices over positive habits is simpler too because once again, there's zero accountability. It was easier for me a few months ago to hole up in my basement with a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes and pretend my life wasn't going to hell in a handbasket. All I needed was a few enablers to tell me what I was doing was just fine and we're on our way! True story.. sick, pathetic, unbelievable story.. looking back on that now makes me wonder who the fuck I had become in those moments.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but I still have a hard time believing that just a few months ago I was such a freakin trainwreck. I tend to be pretty hard on myself, I beat myself up over things long after everyone else has forgiven and let it go. I often wonder where I would be if it hadn't been for some of the better influences in my life that have come along thanks to Crossfit. Those are the people who never gave up on me. So many I can't even name them all. But one in particular said something to me recently that really stuck and made me think... she said something to the effect of, "Stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve it no matter what you've done in your life. Maybe you made some mistakes, but you shouldn't have to pay for them forever. I don't give a fuck what you've done in your past because I know you now--you're a neat person with a lot to offer, and that's what matters today."

We're hard-wired as humans to go for the instant gratification--everyone wants a quick fix. Putting in the man hours and paying attention is scary because we see the truth only once we force ourselves to read between the lines.. and sometimes it requires a hell of a lot of work to reclaim life from the trenches. On one hand I wish I could go back to where this all began and bring it all to a screeching halt, but then I realize maybe I needed to go through all that to get the reality check necessary to end up where I am today. I've leaned out my life, and I'm damn proud of it. Wasn't easy or painless, but just as with all other difficult changes I'm much better and stronger for it... and from what I understand, strong people are much harder to kill!

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