Friday, March 30, 2012


How you see me (yeah I know Bec's in the pic too... apparently I'm not a big self-portraiter so bear with me here... plus let's be honest she makes it so much prettier lol)

How I "see" me about 95% of the time...

Or, occasionally...

What a nightmare, train-wreck, disaster.. I saved these pictures on my desktop as file names "hot mess" and "sick" respectively because that's exactly what they are. I know that isn't REALLY what I look like now, but at the same time it's hard to get past that mental image of who you were. Everyone who comes along in life writes on the slate of who we are and who we will become. But it is ultimately up to us to pick and choose who we will allow such an important role in our lives--that is the hard part. Even after you realize you deserve/desperately neeeeeeed better people and become more selective, it's still a hell of a process getting rid of the negative things that seem to be permanently etched into our psyche.

The gym has been one of the most consistently bright spots in my life next to my son, because you can rack up positive experiences and accomplishments daily--tangible and intangible. More reps, higher weights, being able to master a movement you couldn't do last week. Friends who will cheer you on every day, who send you a message saying "where the hell are you" if you don't show up for class, and who tell it like it is on the days when you need someone to give you a swift kick in the ass. I talk about this stuff a lot because it's all so damn true. I see it and live it every single freakin day. We've found strength--physical, mental, emotional--in getting through these WOD's together day after day, and by leaning on each other outside those walls.

As one of my fellow strugglers recently said, "at Crossfit is where I'm most comfortable because I am in control there. How good I am is determined by how hard I push myself and not by how anyone else treats me or what they have to say." Isn't that how it should be in every aspect of life? Probably. But at the gym there's nobody else in the background jeering or treating you like garbage no matter how hard you try. Nobody says what you're doing isn't good enough unless it's true, and that just means they expect more from you because they know you're capable of better. That's where we all need to live.

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