My Monday was the Monday to top all effing Monday's. I didn't make it in to the gym in the morning because I hit snooze too many times and I knew it wasn't getting done in the evening because the boys had a baseball game, so that turned out to be the slippery slope that sent my day into a tailspin. You know how sometimes you're just so frustrated and done with everything that you can literally feel the ball of anger sitting in the pit of your stomach? That's where I feel like I live lately. We couldn't have more shit going on if we tried--kids going in different directions, a house to flip, a business to run, Todd coaching ACME... the list goes on. Our time is never our own and it feels like we are constantly running on someone else's agenda because unfortunately all of our kids belong (at least halfway) to other people. One day I just want to get my hair cut or take the kids to the pool, but at the moment that just feels like a pipe dream.
As outspoken as I may be in certain scenarios, I tend to try and be a peacekeeper in my interpersonal relationships. That may be hard for you to believe based on what you see at the gym or read here but I will truly do anything to avoid conflict with the people who directly affect my life, and sometimes that comes back to bite me in the ass. It probably isn't healthy to bottle up so much negativity, sometimes I get so beside myself that I'm half-expecting my head to just spin off. I feel like I do so much to be accommodating and all I get back is a shitty look and a proverbial middle finger; no graciousness, no respect. Just "thanks for taking care of everything when it was convenient and I needed you to--your parting gift is a big fuck you."
I sacrifice my own inner peace and sanity to maintain it for other people, but I tell ya it's starting to get old. Sadly, my sense of self worth has always been tied to my utility to other people. I'm like a damn dog--I'll do anything for a little scrap of praise and a pat on the head because that's the only way I can bolster myself; kick me 99 times and I will still come back the 100th time to be your loyal companion. I'm incredibly lucky to have Todd who appreciates me and doesn't take advantage of that or write off my feelings like most of the d-bags I chose to date in the past, but unfortunately there are still an assortment of assholes in my life and I just have to find a way to keep them from getting me down.
I realize that I'm luckier than most in a lot of ways--great family, kids and fiancé (still a weird word), a roof over our heads, cars to drive, and we always have enough of whatever we need to suffice. But my network of friends that have stemmed from the gym have truly been a God-send. Without calling anyone out by name, there are some specific traits that I notice and really admire from some of my favorite people at the gym:
A positive attitude, no matter what the wod or time of day
Another whom I admire for knowing exactly who she is and not letting anyone else tell her otherwise; she has a fuck 'em attitude that I'm totally jealous of
One of the newbies that I've caught smiling during burpees on more than one occasion
The total transformation in not only body, but attitude, that I've personally witnessed in another member
Confidence in me and my abilities, often more than I have in myself
Everyone has something to offer even it's just a lesson in what not to be. Look around and be inspired today, and for God sakes don't let the sucky people take up too much space in your head.