Friday, June 28, 2013

How Fruit Saved my Life (or at least my day)

"You ate raisins? You're goin' to hell."

I was telling the girls last night about how I had eaten some apple slices and raisins with sunflower butter in a desperate attempt to keep myself from destroying half a bag of chocolate chips that I found in the cupboard yesterday (which incidentally worked, but I felt guilty for even eating the fruit). It was a joke, but that's how obsessive I can become over what I can and cannot eat when I'm really focused on cutting weight and strict paleo. Which is also probably 50% of the reason why I tend to struggle with staying "on the wagon" so to speak for more than a couple weeks/months at a time. Here's how it usually goes:

Kickass, get tired, struggle, struggle, hate everyone and be a hag, start to feel better, get more energy, feel like a beast. I get myself convinced that I can live on mostly two meals--tuna with almonds or chicken breast with broccoli. Maybe throw in some occasional variations that include eggs and other meat, but for the most part I would eat just twice a day and those would be my meals. Avoid fruit like the GD plague. Cut weight fast. I feel a sin coming on... Inevitable Binge. Get sick, writhe, wish for death. Drink a shit-ton of water. Tell myself tomorrow will be better, possibly get back on the wagon (or maybe not), and then probably binge again because the first few days after you have mad sugar cravings. Then I hide out for awhile eating what I know to be half-ass paleo sprinkled with pizza and ice cream until I realize I'm starting to get fluffy again. Rinse and repeat.

Like I said before, nothing changes if nothing changes. I have realized this time around that something has to change in the way I'm doing things. DL made a good point the other day in commenting on one of my posts when he likened it to the definition of insanity--doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I believe wholeheartedly in keeping it simple as it applies to your diet because food is supposed to be fuel, not a reward or a security blanket to cover up with while you *unsuccessfully* eat your feelings away. But at the same time, the idea of consuming fruit shouldn't be scary. I shouldn't recoil when I look at a mini box of raisins. Seriously.

This doesn't mean that I change my stance that eating a shit-ton of fruit isn't really necessary (and may actually be a hindrance) when trying to cut some weight, but it does mean that I should stop agonizing over the fact that I ate some fucking apple slices and raisins. I mean really, if I hadn't gone in that direction last night I probably woulda killed those chocolate chips and topped it off with whatever else I could find. Maybe even gone out to pick up some ice cream. Then I would have skipped the gym this morning and probably ended up sitting here at my desk with a candy bar in my hand, debating on which shitty fast food restaurant I was going to hit up for lunch. That's the cold hard truth folks. Instead I'm feeling victorious for avoiding my destructive eating habits and for doing all but two of my 95# squat cleans this morning in true "squat clean" form, rather than cleaning the bar and then squatting with it, which is what I had to do the last time they were in a WOD. I'm all for progress!

Figuring out how to do things differently so that I can have continued success isn't an overnight deal, but I'm doing whatever I can to break the cycle of my fluctuating weight. After losing roughly 110 lbs you'd think this last 25 or so would be a breeze, but it just isn't. There's always some struggle involved but I know from experience that the tough times make you that much more grateful when you get to that light at the end of the tunnel.

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