Just a little over 6 weeks until Todd and I get married. Holy. $hit. I'm not even sure how that happened!
I was going to take the long way around today and write all this crap about my fears and shitty-self-esteem issues, my effing disastrous past relationships, how this all ties into the gym... long long long. I'm too mentally disorganized right now to process all that and have it even make enough sense for anyone else to read it.
Here's what this all boils down to for me: Commitment.
Every success, every failure in life revolves around to how much time and energy you are willing to put into the thing. It has taken me f*%&ing yearsssssssssss at the gym to realize the only way I'm ever going to be the best version of myself is to commit to it and consistently show up. I would say 90% of the time I'm happy with getting up each morning and going to the gym--even if I'm not feeling great at first I always am by the time I leave. I've learned that on the 10% days when I want to stay in bed, I just have to tell myself to keep showing up and then follow through. That's my commitment to myself. I generally like to do everything the hard way, so it took a long time and a lot of failures for me to finally understand that these seemingly small steps equate to big change over time.
This policy transfers to anything in life. Without going into detail, my past relationships = Trainwreck. Foundations built on the wrong things with the wrong people. Houses built on sand in a stage 5 hurricane would have a better chance of survival. Honestly you could've put me into a crowd of accomplished men and 1 loser and he would have been my top choice. I'm no stranger to failure here.
It's different now--I'm committed and I know he is rock solid too, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. We have 4 wonderful-in-their-own-ways-kids in multiple families, with a handful of other parents to contend with, and a TON of things going on. There are days where it's 60/40, 80/20, 100/100... there are days where I want to throat punch him... there are days when he wants to smother me with a pillow because he's tired of my attitude. That's life! But at the end of every one of those days--shitty or awesome, I know that we are going to go to bed at the same time, and he's going to throw his arm over me, and he is not going to leave. 90% of the time I am obnoxiously happy, and on the 10% days I show up anyway because that's what we have committed to each other and our kids. I know that's a lot easier to say after only a year and a half together than it may be after 4, 7, 14 years of putting up with someone's shit day in and day out, but the older I get the more sure I am that relationships aren't about all the butterflies, sunshine and rainbow bullshit so much as they are about committing to see the best and choosing to love someone even on the days you maybe don't like em so much.
No matter which way you frame it, success in anything requires commitment--either you're in or you're out.